Nonsensical Boyfriends

A week ago Gim and I switched cellphones and SIM cards and he hasn’t come over since.

After a spate of text messages imploring him to come and visit me or else I would leave him for good, Gimmi comes bursting through my door, glaring at me with blood red evil eyes, his ears almost steaming off smoke.

Him: You, you….!!!!

Me: (batting my eyelashes furiously) Lovable girlfriend?

Him: (stuttering) No, you, you, you spiteful… you…

Me: (confused but willing to help) Bitch? Um, moron?

Him: You bad person!!!! What is the meaning of this??? (waves cellphone at me)

Me: (lifting an eyebrow) Me no comprende, seƱor.

Him: Who is this man? Why is he texting you?? What is SDRAM!!!

Me: Huh, well it’s —

Him: I know what it is! I asked my officemate about this SDRAM!!! It’s a room, a place where women sell their assets to men!!! Why have you done this to me??? Why?????

Me: But, Gim….. it’s necessary……

Him: (blowing his nose) I thought you loved me…….

Me: (placidly) I don’t have money…..

Him: But, but, you can borrow from me….. or your mom….. or somebody!!!

Me: Yeah, but you know it’s old and used and sometimes doesn’t work anymore, you know… Better sell it as soon as possible before it’s completely useless.

Him: What? Used? Lovedoo, I thought you were a virgin!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Huh? What’s that got to do with this?

Him: First you admit that you’re a prostitute and now you’re telling me you’re still a virgin???

Me: Um, Gimmi, SDRAM is Static Dynamic Random Access Memory. I’m selling it online. That’s a message from somebody who’s interested in buying old computer parts… what did you think???

Him: But, uh, but… but my officemate said… it was something about sex… and um… a room… and…. uh…. oh.

He was so happy he gave me his entire month’s salary.