I was reading an article on how to lose belly fat in the ER one rainy afternoon when a twenty-something woman saunters in to sit in the chair in front of me. She wanted me to issue her a medico-legal certificate. This being a government hospital, I was used to these requests. They’re usually filed by people who want to legally document bodily injury done to them by other people such as domestic abuse. However, nothing prepared me for this particular request.

Sauntering twenty-something woman: “Doc, kere yo man pa-medicolegal.” (I’d like to get a medico-legal certificate, Doc)

Me: “OK. Cosa ya pasa?” (OK, What happened?)

Sauntering twenty-something woman: “Ya gerya comigo pan, Doc” (Somebody threw a pan at me)

Me (giving my most sardonic smile): “Cosa clase pan se, ma’am, akel karahay?” (What kind of pan, a frying pan?)

Sauntering twenty-something woman (now vehement): “Hende kel karahay, Doc. Pan gad kel! Ta trabaha yo na bakery.” (It wasn’t a frying pan, Doc. It was bread. Bread!)

Me (Now incredolous): “Ah PAN gale gayod?”

Vehement formerly sauntering twenty-something woman: “Si, Doc. Aki gad comigo na cara ya tupa!” (Yes, it hit me right here.) Points to her left cheek. Of course I don’t see anything. No bruises or even just reddening of the skin. Nothing. So I start explaining the nature of the medico-legal certificate. That I could only document physical signs of injury like wounds, bruises and swellings. And then I say, “Since pan de sal lang ya gerya contigo, ma’am, di siempre, nuay gad se marka.” (Salty bread doesn’t leave a mark, you know). It is at this point that her eyes grow wide as saucers and she fixes me with a cold, angry stare.

Cold, angry twenty-something woman: “Hende kel pan de sal, Doc. Cheese bread kel!” (It wasn’t salty bread, Doc. It was cheese bread!) And with this statement, she stands up and icily leaves my desk.

As if pan de sal would leave a different mark. Ayayay.

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