The Real Me

I am on a mission to lose weight. Whether by good old fashioned exercise or a healthy diet!

Today I am past the 200 lb mark, can you believe??? I think it’s the heaviest I have been in my life. It’s too bad because I already attained a slim body once. But that was a long time ago. Back in college, when I was active in multiple school clubs and organizations, and we had a physical education class twice a week, and I was doing weights and cardio. I was 18 and on the hunt for a boyfriend. So I got thin to get noticed. I did get noticed by the boys, but not only that. I got compliments from grade school teachers who mentioned they barely recognized me but that I changed for the good. My college teacher nicknamed me “Pretty Girl”. I got to be featured in a poster advertisement for our school. I easily got licenses and government IDs because the staff would treat me like a VIP (i.e. they let me cut the line hehe!). I was offered to model nude (no, I did not take the artist up on his offer!). My grade school crush (the very first) finally said hello to me and we even had a long conversation in a chatroom (I still feel giddy when I remember it!). I got along well with people and had the best of friends. And of course, I eventually fell in love with the most wonderful person in the world. They say high school is the best time of your life. But for me, it was really college.

I started putting on the weight a few years after graduation. I was working a desk job. My boyfriend had a motorcycle so he would ferry me wherever I wanted. I did less and less of walking, more and more of sitting.

Until today when no one in his right mind (save for my boyfriend) would ask me to pose nude. Haha!

I am pretty happy with my life now. I have a well paying and stable job. I still have my loyal and faithful boyfriend (thank God). I have lovely pets (my poodle, my hamster, my fishes). Some of my closest friends are spread over the globe and some are back home; though it gets lonely in my new home, I am grateful for my old pals.

Still, I feel lacking. I feel that the me that people know now is vastly different from the old me, the real me. Today I am reserved and an introvert, whereas before I was carefree and confident. I think it all boils down to how I feel ugly, and big, and fat – all these negative feelings I have about myself, I project onto people, and how can I expect people to like me if I do not even like myself. It is very superficial. I know it is very vain of me. However it is the truth. I do love who I am. I know I am pretty. But I cannot control how I feel. And I feel I can be better, and it disappoints me that I have not striven to be the best that I can be.

If a body needs nutrients, then so does the soul. My weight isn’t just weighing my body down, it’s also weighing down my soul. And my soul needs to receive the proper amounts of confidence, happiness and joy – things that I feel I will achieve better if I can shed the excess weight off.

Which brings me back to my mission. I intend to lose weight. 100 pounds in one year. I think it is doable. My boyfriend who is a doctor thinks it is doable. I have enrolled in a gym and I have been going thrice a week. I am going to learn more about proper nutrition and change my diet to suit my daily needs. I am truly trying. And eventually I hope I can bring back the real me. :)