Tales from the Toilet

ToiletJust came from the loo, and if you guys don’t like disgusting stories like these, don’t read any further.

Ohhhh, my rectum hurts. I thought my bout of LBM (loose bowel movement) of two days ago had already ended. I ‘d eaten some reheated pasta early this week, and my insides went all ultra-sensitive about it, and immediately my system flushed it out. And not in that dark, solid, clumpy way. But in that greenyellowish, watery, foul-smelling way.

Yesterday my tummy was feeling stable, not at all crampy. I got through lunch and dinner a-ok. Today was different. Having woken up at 3PM, I decided to forego lunch and head straight to an afternoon snack, which was, yum, pistachio ice cream (my favorite!). Maybe that’s why my poo looked all green and creamy. Hehe.

Know what I hate about letting loose? It’s all that noisy farting! Our bathroom has a light wooden door, and if I’m showering in there, one can hear it even from the sala (if one listens hard enough), and so much more from the adjoining bedrooms. Now how can I shit comfortably when I’m so embarrassed that my farts might be heard by someone? So, usually, I try to control my muscles and I go, “Proot — shush — proot — shush — prooooot…” ‘Coz my initial farts aren’t that loud, but if I pass my gas out all at once, it gets louder and louder every second. It doesn’t help that the bowl retaliates with a resounding echo, making my farts sound all that much louder. Somebody should make toilets that absorb farts. I need one.

Know what I like about relieving myself? That it feels really good afterwards, and during. Doesn’t it? Especially when you’ve been holding it in for so long, telling yourself that oh no, I’m not gonna go there for the 6th time today!!! And when you finally release it, your muscles all go slack and you feel like they’re worshipping you for your sound decision. ‘Course, the same muscles feel really sore afterwards, like you’ve run a marathon, only your rectum did all the running.

Know what’s interesting about going to the loo? I don’t know if you do this too or if it’s just some weird thing my body does, but I totally know when I’m done ‘coz when I’m done pooing, I pee. Poo, then pee. Really, it never fails. Even if I peed right before I pooed (which happens most of the time), I’ll still pee right after, but it’ll be only a wee little drop or so ‘coz I already peed before. Weird huh? But useful. If I haven’t peed yet then I know there’s still more to come. Maybe it’s psychological.

Can’t remember a time when I couldn’t use the toilet all alone, though I’m sure my parents always attended to my needs when I was still a baby. But I’m glad I’m not a baby anymore. I’d hate to be as helpless as this poor little kid:

Baby Shit

I warned you.

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