Hard Decisions

It’s been a while since Gim and I went out for a Saturday joyride. He’s been very busy with his studies lately, and I’ve been quarreling with him on/off about that.

But my Surigao trip made him miss me terribly so last last Saturday he agreed to take me out. Hehe. Absence does make the heart go fonder.

I’m hoping that concept applies to time periods of one to two years as well. I *might* be going to for my graduate studies, courtesy of ADZU. My mom has been pressuring me to get out of the house, and I guess this is her manipulative way of doing that. Hehehe.

Truth is I’ve been way attached to my room lately – ever since I bought a new air conditioner! Hehehe. I’ve also washed and waxed my floor (with the help of Gim – ok fine, he did all of it!!) squeaky clean. And cleaned the walls, threw away unnecessary stuff (like old mags and posters, giveaways), bought a new mattress to boot. I’ve fallen in love with my room! I just need a TV and I’m good to go. Hehehe.

I’m very sad to be leaving everything behind if I do get accepted to ADMU. I’m not sure what I should be praying for – to be accepted or to be denied. *Sigh.*

I think I have independence issues. I’m so afraid to be away from Gim. It’s not that I’m afraid he won’t think of me, or worse, that he’ll find someone else. Our relationship is so beyond that already. I know him so much and I cannot see him wanting to end up with someone else. I *know* he will wait. (And enjoy the view while I’m away, I’m not naive, hehe, but it’s ok, I’ll do the same.)

What I’m scared of is being alone and losing my security blanket. That’s what Gim is – he makes me feel loved and confident and not vulnerable and happy. That’s why I need him. He keeps me emotionally stable. I’m afraid if he’s not there for me, that I’ll suddenly realize that I’m not so intelligent, not so beautiful, not so precious, not so perfect. Inside I know I’m not. But Gim – he makes me feel I am everything. And that’s how he makes me so happy. How can I be happy without the things he makes me feel???

I don’t know. I so do not know. But, heart heavy, I guess I have to move forward. Make sure my future’s bright and all. So that if I do actually lose Gim (cross my heart and hope to God it never happens), I’ll still have a security blanket – albeit a lesser one, that is my career.

Funny that I view career as less of a priority than love, now. Before it used to be the be-all and end-all of my life’s dreams. Love was like icing on the cake – I wanted many boyfriends, all of them casual relationships, hehe. I did not want any single guy holding me down. Amazingly, the first guy I fell in love with actually was able to pin me down. How embarrassing.

Still, there’s nothing I can do. I’m in love with him, and I foresee that my feelings won’t change for a long, long time. My career is OK, it hasn’t been influenced negatively so far. Until now.

I’m actually thinking (God forbid) of backing out – not taking the Masteral I’m being offered, simply because I don’t want to leave Gim. I’m sure all the career-driven men and women will laugh and sneer at this idiotic decision (which don’t worry, I’m not gonna make, I’m still a practical girl) and think I’m so stupid to put love before education.

But the truth is love, happiness is the be-all and end-all of everyone’s dreams. Gim says I so do not understand the value of delayed gratification. Maybe not, but I do understand the value of happiness. And I think that life is too short to wait and work for happiness to come. I think that once you’ve grasped happiness in your palm, you should not let it go, and you should fight to keep it with all you’ve got. After all, it’s what everyone is working for.

Comments

  1. my initial reaction upon reading this was heller, fli, don’t be a fool, come here ya no! (jef, who is sitting beside me right now, also says so, by the way) but the girl in me got so touched by your last paragraph. awwww. brought tears to my eyes. still…be practical ok? hehehe. true love waits. and if you’re really meant to be, you will be.

  2. ah, you career jocks, i knew you’d react that way! hehehe. kidding. don’t worry, like i said. im resigned to the fact that i’m gonna be leaving. for two years. and everyone’s pressuring me to leave right away, asap, like this summer na. waaaahhhh!

  3. hahaha. i am not a career jock. ok maybe. oh i don’t know. i do believe in love being the ultimate etc etc…but you have to also think about your future kids, you know. oh right. you’re not even sure you want kids.

    seriously your last paragraph touched me and i’ve actually been sharing this blog to my friends.