Feb 4, 2024
Sunday afternoon
Windy cool weather
30degrees Celsius
4.32kg
Time of death 3:56pm
In the morning I brought you down to wee around half past nine. You peed on your favorite spot, under the oliva palm. Daddy made lechon for your last meal. I carried you in, placed you in your bed, on a soft carpet, on the floor beside me as I sat to have breakfast. I fed you first, fed you the small soft lechon pieces with a fork. And you gobbled it up so heartily. You love lechon. But you couldn’t finish it all, so I stopped just short of feeding you the whole plate. Then Daddy and I had breakfast while you waited, from time to time whimpering, as you’re in pain, as you have been for the past three days. In fact for months you have been in pain. But this time it’s different. This time there’s no break from your pain. Not even when we gave you pain meds. You can’t sleep, can’t lick your paws or your genitals, you can’t move unless I hold you up… I put you in one position in your bed before I go to sleep, and when I wake, you haven’t moved an inch.
I am so sorry my love. For keeping you for so long, for asking you to stay, all for my selfish reasons, because I couldn’t let you go. Because I love you so.
But this time is different.
After breakfast, I brought you out to pee again. Then we went back inside. I carried you to my room where you spend most of your days. Mia wanted to play with you but we redirected her away, because she can be rough. She’s only just turned two…
You would have been 11 tomorrow. But I can’t let you go on living with this pain.
You can’t do your favorite things anymore. Such as bark at and chase away the pesky cats that come round our house. Such as bark at anyone who passes behind our bamboo fence. Such as lick and clean your paws and penis.
In the afternoon, we brought you out to pee again. You peed by the bougainvillea pot near the balitbitan. Another of your favorite spots. Then daddy came out and we spent some time in the garden. You lay on the garden by the oliva, the wind on your face. Normally you love it but this time you were stiff. You can’t move your neck quite easily, in fact you kept it at an angle, upwards and leftwards. Uncomfortable. Though you tried to not show it. As always. You keep your pain very well…
We returned back to the office and I put you back in your bed. And I fed you some oranges but you could only swallow 3 tiny pieces. You always loved orange. The past several weeks or maybe months, you have been making it your water.
I wanted to leave you in your bed but you were whimpering so I carried you in my arms for some time. After a while you started jerking and though I tried to support you it seems you weren’t comfortable. So I put you on my bed and propped you on each side with my fluffy pillows. Finally it seemed you could get comfortable. A little anyways. And I sat beside you. And daddy sat by my table.
I kissed you a lot. Daddy kissed you a lot. I wonder if you knew that we were saying goodbye? We’ve been crying a lot since yesterday. I wonder if you wondered why…
By and by the doctor came by. She has two attendants with her. They all went inside my office and suddenly it got quite crowded. The attendants carried you and weighed you, and though you kicked and fussed a little, it was a lot less than the previous times we’ve brought you to the vet. It was clear you were low on energy. For a feisty guy like you.
After, they carried you back to the bed. I took you from the attendant and lay you upright on the bed. And the doctor took your front paw and put a needle in it. You didn’t even react. Perhaps the pain from the needle is nothing compared to what you were feeling.
The doctor first gave you a sedative. To make it painless, she said. Just a few seconds after, your head slumped on the bed. But your eyes kept wide open. But you were asleep. I hope. I was by your side. I kept caressing your back and held your body and paws. I wanted you to know that I was there.
Then the doctor administered the euthanasia meds. And she monitored your heart beat and brain activity on her little sensor of which one end was clipped to your ear. Brain activity was gone, she said. Not even a minute since the meds were given. Your heart beat slowed gradually until the doctor declared it a flatline. Time of death 3:56 pm, she said. A little bit later she and her attendants left. I was thankful that your daddy took care of the payments. I stayed with you in the room.
In fact I am still here. It’s 5:30pm. Daddy is outside digging your grave.
I love you little one. With all my heart. I am relieved that you are no longer in pain. Please run to the rainbow bridge. Jump all you like. Run after balls. Chase after cats. Eat liver and lechon and ice cream. I will see you again someday. I love you.
