My eyes hurt. It’s 5:44 PM and I’m still in the office. I’m waiting for my 7:30-8:30 PM class. Yes, you read that right. PM. And with my ability to go on and on and on teaching and forgetting about the time, it’s fortunate that my beadle never fails to remind when it’s already time to go, or else we might probably extend our stay until 9:00 PM.
I’m lucky I have a driver, er, boyfriend. He picks me up right after my class and brings me home. I wouldn’t know what to do without him. Back in my college days, though, I was never afraid of going home late at night. In fact, there was a time when my father called me up on my cellphone asking me where the hell I was and I answered, calmly, that I was heading towards the paradahan where I hoped there would still be a jeepney waiting for me. I have no idea where my courage came from.
Ever since I got a boyfriend, though, somebody always picks me up, accompanies me in public vehicle rides, takes me places and brings me home. I am hardly ever alone. He possesses my every free moment, making me feel claustropho– er, loved. This is all very nice but it has a downside. I have begun to feel afraid to be on my own. A short tricycle ride on a sunny afternoon is okay, but any public ride after 6PM scares me. It’s his fault, telling me the tricycle drivers will rape me, molest me, beat me, steal from me or whatever horrible crime he imagines. He feeds me nightmares, that boy. I grow ever more dependent.
I don’t get mad, though. I guess most men are like that. They want to possess women, feel that they can protect women. I think it makes them feel good inside, knowing they’re big and strong, even if they’re really just little boys deep down in their hearts. Gim is a little boy, for sure.
I do wonder, though, does this happen to all women? Does this come naturally to men? I think so, but then again my perception of others is mostly colored by my own experiences. But I’ll keep to my theories, I think. Men need to be needed by women. Little boys, all men are. That’s why I humor him.